May 2009


I definitely miss the MMAP. The last days I was so unproductive. But I told my advisor that I will hand in a draft of the third chapter by the end of May. *gulp* Right, that exact chapter that is far from being done. So, stop whining, stop procrastinate, and write!

For more than a week the MMAP is over. I did not finish either the chapter nor the paper, but I did work on it continuously (if we forget about the days hay fever just knocked me out).
This project had another side effect: I befriended my often neglected blog again. I went through all articles I had written since January 2007 and it was interesting to read them and remember the events, the struggles with my thesis that I wrote about. I publish different things than I write in my diary, and it was interesting to read this point of view.
I finally set up different categories and have labeled all articles accordingly. Most of the private-set ones are now public, just five are still not accessible. And – being not found of inventing catchy titles all the time – I finally decided to use the article number as the permalink. But this decision hold a surprise: whereas the articles in 2007 are almost in the right order (7,8,9,etc.), there are gaps in 2008 and even higher ones in 2009. Hard to stand for a pedant like me who loves structure 😉 I still have not figured out why the system does not label them in a x+1-order, but whatever.

Thank you, Sisyphus, for starting the MMAP project!

My goal for today:
finish reading article 1 check. Good one which I will cite a couple of times.
– read article 2
– read article 3
– read article 4
– skip through very-thick-book and figure out with articles might be useful for me

Subsection 4 – revise the pages I have written so far, break into
4.1
4.2
4.3

I did revise a bit but primarily read new literature which I want to include.

Finally I sat down and thought about the chapter for a while, and worked on its structure bit, shifting around sections.

I am back home in Our City. Last night I was just so exhausted that I went to bed quite early and felt asleep immediately. The last two days were not easy but a little emotional roller coaster ride.

Apparently the second doctor forgot (?) to include something in the records he had to send to the first one, and I have to wait again. But now it is for sure that I have to consult another doctor, and the earliest appointment I could arrange was the middle of July. WTF?
The first one, however, handed me a copy of the operation note that the second one had denied to hand out to me some while back. So I spent the evening laying on my bed in My City, drinking booze I had received as a birthday present, reading the note, and weeping a bit in self-pity. It feels so strange to read something written about you in a third-person-narrative.

Earlier that evening I had called a friend of mine and for the first time in all the years that we know each other cried in front of her. Well, apparently not in a physical front as she was on the phone, and maybe that had made it easier for me to just let go. I told her about my unhappiness with the work situation and my feeling of not getting the desired recognition and attention of my advisor. Of course my friend suggested to talk with her, which I probably will, but we both know that she will probably just not understand how hurtful her behavior sometimes is – she and I are different breeds and have very different communication styles. In fact I have sometimes pointed out that comment XYZ made by her bothered me to which she always replies “But you know it is just a joke.” These jokes, however, aren’t funny. They bother me. And whereas my colleague seems to get along with these kinds of jokes and just replies with similar sound bites, that is just not my style and I feel like the party pooper.
And I know that when my contract ends in a couple of months, it will be like out of sight out of mind, no matter how much I engage myself now.

Teaching was fun but tiring. I have a Mister-know-it-all in my class. He is balancing on the thin line of being a critical mind or a nonconstructive smartass.

So I have the blues today, and instead of working on my thesis or my paper I went grocery shopping, did the laundry, cleaned the bedroom, kitchen and corridor, and cooked lunch.

Maybe later I will be in the mood of revising the thesis chapter a bit.

Two days at the office. No thesis progress. Back home. Tired. Just so very tired.

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