I am back home in Our City. Last night I was just so exhausted that I went to bed quite early and felt asleep immediately. The last two days were not easy but a little emotional roller coaster ride.

Apparently the second doctor forgot (?) to include something in the records he had to send to the first one, and I have to wait again. But now it is for sure that I have to consult another doctor, and the earliest appointment I could arrange was the middle of July. WTF?
The first one, however, handed me a copy of the operation note that the second one had denied to hand out to me some while back. So I spent the evening laying on my bed in My City, drinking booze I had received as a birthday present, reading the note, and weeping a bit in self-pity. It feels so strange to read something written about you in a third-person-narrative.

Earlier that evening I had called a friend of mine and for the first time in all the years that we know each other cried in front of her. Well, apparently not in a physical front as she was on the phone, and maybe that had made it easier for me to just let go. I told her about my unhappiness with the work situation and my feeling of not getting the desired recognition and attention of my advisor. Of course my friend suggested to talk with her, which I probably will, but we both know that she will probably just not understand how hurtful her behavior sometimes is – she and I are different breeds and have very different communication styles. In fact I have sometimes pointed out that comment XYZ made by her bothered me to which she always replies “But you know it is just a joke.” These jokes, however, aren’t funny. They bother me. And whereas my colleague seems to get along with these kinds of jokes and just replies with similar sound bites, that is just not my style and I feel like the party pooper.
And I know that when my contract ends in a couple of months, it will be like out of sight out of mind, no matter how much I engage myself now.

Teaching was fun but tiring. I have a Mister-know-it-all in my class. He is balancing on the thin line of being a critical mind or a nonconstructive smartass.

So I have the blues today, and instead of working on my thesis or my paper I went grocery shopping, did the laundry, cleaned the bedroom, kitchen and corridor, and cooked lunch.

Maybe later I will be in the mood of revising the thesis chapter a bit.

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